Aaron: It's manageable. Just a bit harder today than it has been in recent days.
Me: THATSWHATSHESAID.

(Talking about writing for the nanowrite thing.)

Aaron: I may have found a poker game tonight.
Me: Is that legal there?
Aaron: This is Arizona. Everything is legal except being Mexican.

Me: So I have a cold sore, FML, but my sister-in-law said put a bag of green tea on it. That's right. I'm t-bagging myself.
Misty: Pictures or it didn't happen
Me: I'm sure I'll t-bag myself again later.
Misty: I don't think I'll ever hear anyone say or write that again. Hilarious.

Dumb Advice From Candy

Claim your happiness; dance to your own music.

Dr. Laura

me: I promise no knife fights. Just don't be a Dr. Laura loving Republican and we cool
Robert: Ok, my blackberry doesn't know enough curse words to describe Dr Laura. Seriously. It was auto completing with "ducking" and "butch"
me: That's the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me

Law Talk

Another old one.

A few years ago, I was chatting up a law student (who is now a lawyer) about free speech and the blogging world. I've always been under the impression that private blog hosting websites (such as blogger, LiveJournal, etc.) were not a public forum in the legal sense and therefore under no obligation to uphold free speech rights. However, I'm completely aware that this comes from the Court of Jessica and I can be entirely wrong.

Me: yeah - the realm of public forum gets weird
Me: with the internet. the internet complicates things!
Law Student Friend: yes
Law Student Friend: stupid internet!
Law Student Friend: i see a trend to treat the internet
Law Student Friend: as the real thing, though
Me: yeah. next time you're in court for an internet case
Me: I think you should plead, "But it's just the internet, LOL JUDGE GET A LIFE"
Law Student Friend: lolololol
Me: Best argument evar
Law Student Friend: "it's just the INTERNET, kthnx"
Law Student Friend: but all I'm saying is that it is a possibility that blog sites might have to uphold rights like free speech
Me: I will accept that
Me: UNTIL THE JUDGE GETS A LIFE
Law Student Friend: lololol
Law Student Friend: and gets off the internet to take care of his kids amirite
Law Student Friend: i'll be like "lol judge get off the bench"

Old, but came up recently

Me: so there's a sign up at Will's saying "donations excepted"
Me: so I was like "uh that's spelled wrong."
Me: and she's like "oh they just gave us this sign for the boy who was eaten by a bear 2 days ago." oops. I'm a jackass
Brooke: lol... you told them their sign was misspelled?!... that's awesome
Me: "Yeah I know this kid was EATEN BY A FREAKING BEAR but it should 'accepted' not 'excepted'"
Brooke: i didn't even know a boy was eaten by a bear
Me: I didn't either
Me: but they're excepting donations

My Good Deeds

Me: I'm going to go do society a favor and work out.
Amy: How does that help society?
Me: 1. I will relieve some anxiety and not kill anyone
2. Looking hotter is a favor to everyone who looks at me. You're welcome. ;)
Amy: That IS good for society
Me: I'm always thinking about other people
Amy: You're a giver
Me: I wonder if I can be sainted
Amy: I'd vouch for you on that. That is all it takes, right?
Me: You're a true friend. Okay. Time for my civil service. BBL.

Mythical Creature Sighting

Me: After we ran, we saw an ice cream truck. I took a picture because I figured that's the closest to a succubus I'll see in my life.
Pete: That's awesome. Good practice to chase it though!
Me: Whatever. That thing was camping me. A bunch of Mexican kids had kited it. ... I'm using gaming terms for an ice cream truck. Is there anything fatter?
Pete: Jessica's sweets aggro train. Running from zone to zone with a train of delicious treats aggroing her.
Me: Those little bastards were trying to mess with me because I wasn't flagged. Next time I will IRL /pvp!

Coats in the hallway

A few months ago I was coming home from a very intense workout. My hair was a tied back mess, I was all sweaty, and I was dressed in shabby sweats. I looked like a homeless jogger, basically. Oh, and it was cold so I also added a coat.

I stopped by 7-11 to get a delicious pastry. Surely after lifting weights, elliptically and jogging for 2 hours, I deserved a doughnut. As I browsed the aisles, a group of young, skinny, attractive and very scantily clad girls walked in. I decided I didn't need a doughnut anymore, bought a health drink and left. It felt like this:



I texted a few friends to tell them I just recreated that pic irl and laughed about how stupid I was for not buying my pastry!

The picture once again became a topic of conversation.

Aaron: At least you're not one of those girls who wears a coat and hangs out in the hallway.
Me: LOL I love that.
Aaron: Yeah! I saw that picture the other day and it reminded me of you.
(about 10 seconds pass and my phone beeps again)
Aaron: And then I suddenly realized how awful that would sound if you didn't have a story related to it.

Amy: I haven't had candy in over a week. I think it's a lifetime record for me.
Me: You're Lance F---ing Armstrong
Amy: Only with both testicles

Kirk: Someone just gave me a set of irons!
Me: Fel or regular?
Kirk: ... for golfing.
Me: WoW has golf now?!


(Okay, we re-did this conversation to make it better.)

Here's a real shocker

My Political Views
I am a left moderate social libertarian
Left: 3.19, Libertarian: 2.46

Political Spectrum Quiz

Kirk is the best person alive for bringing me pepto, popsicles, jell-o, water and applesauce in my sick time of need.

Last night...

Me: (Looking outside at the snow) Wow, it's already 1 to 2 inches...
Friends: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

So awesome without context.

Me: I fight naked people all the time.

(FYI, the context was when talking about a game where buying clothes for your avatar meant you had less money for sweet killing power.)