me: http://media.tumblr.com/98ca1221cea3bc58564926b497f94e09/tumblr_inline_mlu6mtQv8H1qz4rgp.jpg
would you hit this?
Amy: Is it Brigham Young?
me: no
would you?
Amy: I fell like this is a trap, but yes
me: http://mydaguerreotypeboyfriend.tumblr.com/post/11139865210/future-president-rutherford-b-hayes-in-his-early
you just banged a president
Amy: And I would bang a few
me: what a hunk
Amy: Seriously. He could be in movies
me: I'd hit it
more like rutherford b babes
Amy: Ha! Rutherford Be a Hottie
me: having a hard time finding more pictures to verify he was young and hot
Amy: He should have at least one bathroom mirror pic out there
me: he never took any selfies
omg yes

New phone. Stupid, on screen keyboard.

Me: I love god to
Swype! You retard.
I love food too.

posted from Bloggeroid

Aaron: It's manageable. Just a bit harder today than it has been in recent days.
Me: THATSWHATSHESAID.

(Talking about writing for the nanowrite thing.)

Aaron: I may have found a poker game tonight.
Me: Is that legal there?
Aaron: This is Arizona. Everything is legal except being Mexican.

Me: So I have a cold sore, FML, but my sister-in-law said put a bag of green tea on it. That's right. I'm t-bagging myself.
Misty: Pictures or it didn't happen
Me: I'm sure I'll t-bag myself again later.
Misty: I don't think I'll ever hear anyone say or write that again. Hilarious.

Dumb Advice From Candy

Claim your happiness; dance to your own music.

Dr. Laura

me: I promise no knife fights. Just don't be a Dr. Laura loving Republican and we cool
Robert: Ok, my blackberry doesn't know enough curse words to describe Dr Laura. Seriously. It was auto completing with "ducking" and "butch"
me: That's the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me

Law Talk

Another old one.

A few years ago, I was chatting up a law student (who is now a lawyer) about free speech and the blogging world. I've always been under the impression that private blog hosting websites (such as blogger, LiveJournal, etc.) were not a public forum in the legal sense and therefore under no obligation to uphold free speech rights. However, I'm completely aware that this comes from the Court of Jessica and I can be entirely wrong.

Me: yeah - the realm of public forum gets weird
Me: with the internet. the internet complicates things!
Law Student Friend: yes
Law Student Friend: stupid internet!
Law Student Friend: i see a trend to treat the internet
Law Student Friend: as the real thing, though
Me: yeah. next time you're in court for an internet case
Me: I think you should plead, "But it's just the internet, LOL JUDGE GET A LIFE"
Law Student Friend: lolololol
Me: Best argument evar
Law Student Friend: "it's just the INTERNET, kthnx"
Law Student Friend: but all I'm saying is that it is a possibility that blog sites might have to uphold rights like free speech
Me: I will accept that
Me: UNTIL THE JUDGE GETS A LIFE
Law Student Friend: lololol
Law Student Friend: and gets off the internet to take care of his kids amirite
Law Student Friend: i'll be like "lol judge get off the bench"

Old, but came up recently

Me: so there's a sign up at Will's saying "donations excepted"
Me: so I was like "uh that's spelled wrong."
Me: and she's like "oh they just gave us this sign for the boy who was eaten by a bear 2 days ago." oops. I'm a jackass
Brooke: lol... you told them their sign was misspelled?!... that's awesome
Me: "Yeah I know this kid was EATEN BY A FREAKING BEAR but it should 'accepted' not 'excepted'"
Brooke: i didn't even know a boy was eaten by a bear
Me: I didn't either
Me: but they're excepting donations

My Good Deeds

Me: I'm going to go do society a favor and work out.
Amy: How does that help society?
Me: 1. I will relieve some anxiety and not kill anyone
2. Looking hotter is a favor to everyone who looks at me. You're welcome. ;)
Amy: That IS good for society
Me: I'm always thinking about other people
Amy: You're a giver
Me: I wonder if I can be sainted
Amy: I'd vouch for you on that. That is all it takes, right?
Me: You're a true friend. Okay. Time for my civil service. BBL.

Mythical Creature Sighting

Me: After we ran, we saw an ice cream truck. I took a picture because I figured that's the closest to a succubus I'll see in my life.
Pete: That's awesome. Good practice to chase it though!
Me: Whatever. That thing was camping me. A bunch of Mexican kids had kited it. ... I'm using gaming terms for an ice cream truck. Is there anything fatter?
Pete: Jessica's sweets aggro train. Running from zone to zone with a train of delicious treats aggroing her.
Me: Those little bastards were trying to mess with me because I wasn't flagged. Next time I will IRL /pvp!

Coats in the hallway

A few months ago I was coming home from a very intense workout. My hair was a tied back mess, I was all sweaty, and I was dressed in shabby sweats. I looked like a homeless jogger, basically. Oh, and it was cold so I also added a coat.

I stopped by 7-11 to get a delicious pastry. Surely after lifting weights, elliptically and jogging for 2 hours, I deserved a doughnut. As I browsed the aisles, a group of young, skinny, attractive and very scantily clad girls walked in. I decided I didn't need a doughnut anymore, bought a health drink and left. It felt like this:



I texted a few friends to tell them I just recreated that pic irl and laughed about how stupid I was for not buying my pastry!

The picture once again became a topic of conversation.

Aaron: At least you're not one of those girls who wears a coat and hangs out in the hallway.
Me: LOL I love that.
Aaron: Yeah! I saw that picture the other day and it reminded me of you.
(about 10 seconds pass and my phone beeps again)
Aaron: And then I suddenly realized how awful that would sound if you didn't have a story related to it.

Amy: I haven't had candy in over a week. I think it's a lifetime record for me.
Me: You're Lance F---ing Armstrong
Amy: Only with both testicles

Kirk: Someone just gave me a set of irons!
Me: Fel or regular?
Kirk: ... for golfing.
Me: WoW has golf now?!


(Okay, we re-did this conversation to make it better.)

Here's a real shocker

My Political Views
I am a left moderate social libertarian
Left: 3.19, Libertarian: 2.46

Political Spectrum Quiz

Kirk is the best person alive for bringing me pepto, popsicles, jell-o, water and applesauce in my sick time of need.

Last night...

Me: (Looking outside at the snow) Wow, it's already 1 to 2 inches...
Friends: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

So awesome without context.

Me: I fight naked people all the time.

(FYI, the context was when talking about a game where buying clothes for your avatar meant you had less money for sweet killing power.)

me: Can I just tell you I am in a d&d mood
Spinch: If you moved out here, you could join our group! Except we're moving back to Vampire: The Masquerade soon. BUT STILL RPG.
me: What race are the twilight vamps? Harhar
Spinch: The easily killed one. "I'm sparkly and super strong!"
Spinch: "I can dominate you and make you walk into a campfire. Advantage: ME."
me: Dude seriously. Please? At least roll a joke char
Spinch: I might roll that up.
me: Omg hero. HERO.
Spinch: I think he'd have to be a Brujah (Celerity, Fortitude, that strength one). And I'm sure I could use merits and flaws to min-max him.
Flaw: Sparkles.
Merit: Daywalker.
Flaw: Obsession (Awkward Teenage Girls)
Flaw: Feeding Exclusion: Only feeds from animals.
me: merit: many highschool diplomas?
Spinch: That'd have to be worth at least a point of knowledge.

More weird convos

Me: So... I had this guy saying he wanted to get to know "that person" better - I didn't realize he meant ME.
... So I suggested water boarding
LOL, WTF is wrong with me?
and then I said he'd have to have a list of questions ready because he'd feel like a fool wasting that torture
and he's like, "Well what do you consider a waste?"
Then I said, "I guess no torture is wasted torture. Touche. Very deep.

No, I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore. But honestly, if you went through the trouble of getting all the water boarding stuff set up and then forgot what you wanted to learn, that would be pretty embarrassing. I bet your torture buddies wouldn't let you live that one down. "Hey, remember the time Johnson ..." you know."

Amy: Oh wow! HAHA, I'm glad I'm not the only one making a fool out of myself.

Me: You're wasting torture? Amy! There are poor children in Africa who don't get to water board anyone!
Finish your water boarding!